Hi newbies of Austin! Let me give you a few pointers to make your time in Austin a pleasant one:

A) It’s hot here. It’s going to be rather warm until about late November. It will most likely be 70 degrees on Thanksgiving. Accept it. Live it. Love it. Don’t complain about it. You probably got into other schools in colder climates. But you chose Texas. Just jump in Barton Springs.

B) 6th street is not the center of fun in Austin. There are other neighborhoods and areas that could hold your next favorite bar. Do not be afraid to explore.

C) But also remember that this is a big family town and not all neighborhoods are major party zones or college areas. Please respect the local culture. Don’t be a dick to the natives.

D) Austin is not really like the rest of Texas. You do not need to wear cowboy hats and boots and say “y’all” to fit in, although you are more than welcome to for our amusement’s sake.

E) There are weird looking kids here with ironic glasses and neon shorts and bad tattoos. They are hipsters and they are, by and large, harmless. Don’t let the air of pretension fool you.

F) Coffee shops are not your personal study halls. Please respect the non-student clientele and not take up all the space on every table with your huge neurology books. You are only allowed to do this if you spend an obscene amount of money while you are there.

G) My bike is orange, but not because of the Longhorns. I have nothing against the Longhorns, I enjoy a good football game like the next person, but please do not yell “hook ‘em horns!” drunkenly at me when I’m stuck in 5:30PM clusterfuck traffic on Guadalupe in a bike lane that hosts several large pot holes.

H) THE SIDEWALKS ARE FOR WALKING. SO FUCKING WALK ALREADY. Who taught you to walk as slow as possible five people across the tiny, limited sidewalks?! I want to smack that person.

I) If you are a commuter on a bicycle, please obey traffic laws. If I catch you riding the wrong way in a bike lane, I WILL cut you. No questions asked.

J) The world does not revolve around you being a student. We do not care. No one cared when we were students. When you graduate, you will understand how hilariously petty your problems are. 

K) Please shop local. Support the weird businesses that make Austin awesome. You live in a town with hookah bars and taco carts. Don’t give your money to the big corporations.

LMNOP) Flip flops suck. Come on. Really? FLIP FLOPS?!

QRS) Burnt orange. Stop it. You do not need to wear burnt orange everything every single day of freshman year. You look like a crayon. 

TUV) Homeslice is not the only good pizza place in town. You should really check out East Side Pies… and that takes me to…

W) The East Side. It’s not a soulless abyss in which people never return.  I know it’s a scary place filled with pinata stores and rival moonbounce companies, but, unless you’re buying crack from Fat Joe on the corner of 12th and Chicon, you’ll be left well enough alone. 

X) Do not travel beyond 183 or 71. You will die of chain mall boredom real quickly.

Y) The Highland Mall is amazing. Don’t hate. I find skinny jeans there for $10. Just FYI.

and

Z) Spend your time here wisely. It’s a town of leisure and slackers and a place where you can be derailed quickly if you’re not holding on tight enough. But there are a lot of passionate folks who are psyched to be living whatever dream they have. Don’t let yourself get sucked into the weird jaded nature that comes along with a community so open arms to stonerdom. You can have your fun and study too. 

Have a great year, guys!